i was browsing through my friendster, jz trying to see who’s cared to view my profile. hehe… i saw my sis’ acct. missing home, i checked her acct, see wats new. saw her new pics during last January’s alumni homecoming in our high school.

when i was in 4th year high, my sis was a freshman (back then, long time ago…hahaha…)i knew some of her classmates. looking at there pix, it made me think of my old high school friends (and… umm… classmates?). Ludelle, one of my closest friends in HS, invited me to join the alumni. i texted her twas way too impossible for me to go home to attend the tapok-tapok. i was in cebu, working my ass’s off. taking in calls with all those, as useless, "utok bolinao" customers.

let’s try to spare this article from all those ranting about me working in a call center. hehehe… let’s not spoil the fun.

ok. let’s go back to our alumni night. Ludelle told me that my ex-crush, Mr. Officer Pingul, was also there. Hahaha… i remembered those times. tsk tsk tsk… i remembered how silly i was back then. she told me HE is kinda taba already. i just did not know how taba he is.

but that was before. hmmm… those good old days that i only have to worry about assignments, projects, and some school stuffs. nothing so serious like working to earn. hehe… sweet nostalgia

i met. i talked to him. we chatted. became friends. ended up as "lovers." ours lasted for more than i thought it will. i liked him. i loved him. i still do. but when can you say if enough is enough? and when is too much too much?

i never thought i could be as dumb as this. for me, it should have been an easy thing to take care of. it should have been an non-brainer. i shouldn’t really waste my brain cells thinking what needs to be done.

i’m getting tired of hoping, wishing someday, somehow, he’ll learn to love me, trust me, and treat me as someone who’s for real.

how can i give my heart to someone who doesn’t really give a damn about me? but i already did. i gave him my heart. and right now, i don’t know if it’s something i should regret about. i love him however you define love is.

but i can’t blame him. it might have been, afterall, all my fault. it wasn’t his fault to staying with me. he made it clear to me that he can’t promise me anything. but here i am. i stayed. i hated him a lot. i loved him all the same.

but until when can i hold on to something "invisible?" til when can i hope for something impossible? til when can i love someone who doesn’t love me enough to think i’m worth at least 60 seconds of his time.

which reminds me… it was my birthday then. i used to think that day was a very special day. that’s my birthday afterall. that somehow exempted me from being a "spoiled brat." which means i can wish for whatever i want and have it. i asked him to call me. it was something he has never done before although we’ve been "together" for more than a year now. never done, and obviously will never do. he said "yes" because i forced him to say so. i waited for him to call me on my birthday even i knew that he would not call me. i hoped for some miracle to happen. i waited some more. but he never did.

how can i believe in him when i’m not even worth his time? how can i stay when i know he can’t stay with me? how can i keep on loving someone when i don’t even know his address because he’s afraid i’m some freak who’s gonna bomb his place? how can i keep on holding on when he hasn’t promised me anything?

i wish this is just another heartbreak that i can laugh about after a recovery. hehe. just another heartbreak den.

i dunno if you’ve actually read my notes last time. i said that growing up makes my head ache. i always thought that i am a very patient person. i used to be as stubborn as a bull. i did not just give up without giving it a try. if ever i started on doing something, i did not just say i give up just because i have grown tired of it. i stayed. sometimes i won some of those battles. sometimes i ended up a loser, but so what? i tried.

— Growing old, I mean growing up, is such a headache.

— I think I can be a good teacher. May be I want to teach philo and english in my old high school.

— I think I’d rather look for another job than rot here in the call center.

— I’m tired.